dancing horses

dancing horses

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Baby Steps

To be clear- my life is not a sinking morass of misery in which I wallow. I am getting on with work and my social life and finding comfort and fun in my daily activities. While I am sad at times I am managing.

There were a few leftovers. For the longest time I couldn't drive by where Steele died. This made my commute longer. Every day I would get in my car and say to myself "I'm going to turn left. I can do this" and when I came to the end of the driveway I turned right. On my way home I would say the same thing and then drive right by the street that would take me the shorter way and go around.

Then one morning I was running late. And it was dark. So I turned left. And the world didn't end. I felt a little dizzy but I think I was holding my breath. On the way home at the end of the day I drove by again. I swear I felt Steele cantering beside the car as I drove by the spot. Make of that what you will- self-delusion or whatever, I felt better. So now I go by and it gets easier every time.

I've been going out the barn and taking care of the horses. As Ed says - we are returning to the new 'normal'. Yesterday was a warmer than usual day. Lately it's been -10 C and colder. That makes it hard to linger. But Saturday it was over 0 and mild. It seemed like a good day to get some chores done around the barn that I had been putting off. Ed wanted to help so we went out and cleaned, restocked hay, washed buckets and generally puttered. Lexie hung out in the barn watching. I gave both horses a good grooming which they thoroughly enjoyed.

As I puttered away I realized that I was humming.

It seems that peace has returned to the barn for me.

take care of horses and they will take care of you


  1. I understand how something as simple as humming can be such a huge milestone.

  2. I'm so happy for you that I'm humming! And I'm sure Steele is cantering alongside you...so glad the barn is a place of peace again.

  3. I'm new to your blog, but I am glad the raw pain of your loss is easing. Canter in peace Steele.

  4. Teresa,
    I am so, so sorry for your loss. You are a beautiful writer and your experience is heartbreaking.

    I'm sure many have offered words of comfort and wisdom. I have always loved the words spoken by Gretchen Jackson at the passing of her horse Barbaro:"Grief is the price we all pay for love."

    I will pray that you find peace and joy, secure in the knowledge of your great love for Steele.

  5. I'm so glad that it is getting a little better for you. Recovery of a loss like that definitely takes time, but the baby steps add up fast.

  6. That is wonderful to hear. You deserve peace <3

  7. I'm glad you're finding a new normal and peace at the barn.


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